"courage is fire, and bullying is smoke"
benjamin disraeli
Today as I browsed my online favourites...searching for a link of interest or two to tweet...I found myself reading an article from the Huffington Post that not only intrigued me but at the same time shocked me....It would appear that more and more teenagers are resorting to plastic surgery in an attempt to avoid bullying. Call me old-fashioned, but I couldn't help but be saddened by this report. When I think of plastic surgery I think of anti-aging, of preservation, of vanity and in the most extreme case of Hollywood over-indulgence. I have never thought of or considered that plastic surgery is a solution for problems of an adolescent and emotional kind. I have no judgement one way or another in regards to having or not having plastic surgery...beauty for me is all about the individual and their self confidence. If a little facial or body tidy up will promote well-being then far from me to bah humbug that.
Do I think that parents should encourage children to alter their appearance in the hope that they won't be singled out and taunted in the schoolroom?...I really don't know...This report featured a young girl of 13 who felt she was being tormented not only in person but on Facebook because of the size and shape of her nose. Her parents decided that she should undergo plastic surgery in order to avoid the nastiness. I can see that a measure like this would be undertaken for all the right reasons...protectiveness and parental responsibility...We all want to spare our children from the ugliness and unpleasantness of life. Who wants their child to be bullied? Nobody wants that... but I can't help but wonder whether altering a physical characteristic of supposed ridicule is merely a bandaid solution. Then there is the question of 'beauty'? Who decides what is acceptable and what isn't? Are there 'beauty' police patrolling the social media sites and the school yards? It frightens me to think that our yardstick for what is 'beautiful' could be determined by pre-pubescents. Some of the people that I find the most 'beautiful' do not fit the standard criteria of accepted good looks...
It is a tough issue and I for one feel quite divided...When my children faced unpleasant criticism growing up...and let's not pretend that all children don't have difficult moments...I counselled them to ride it out and to face the provocations full on but also without engagement on such a base level....No running, no hiding.... I hope I taught them to be strong in themselves and to be proud of their individual accomplishments...if they were different, that was a plus not a minus. These petty schoolyard battles were not slights on their physical appearance so what do I know of this little girl's unhappiness? If my child was in a major accident and required a surgical procedure to repair a facial injury...I would be the first to sign the consent form...So what is the difference? The difference is that changing our appearance in response to bullying is not a solid reason. Bullying is a part of life, it always was and it still is. Children and adults too, need to learn coping mechanisms that deal with that kind of nastiness....Changing yourself or your children to suit a bully is not the way. Long term when the emotional issues are resolved and the bullying no longer poses a threat, then if plastic surgery is still the preferred option that would be the right time.
Read the article here....What do you think? Agree or disagree.....Or like me....Confused and confounded? xv
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Like you Vicki, I'm not sure what I would do,not being in that situation. I feel that I probably would not allow the plastic surgery,most likely I would help them deal with the situation another way. It is sad these days that this problem seems to be excalating out of control. x
ReplyDeleteI read the same article this morning,a very hard subject as i was bullied at school badly and if there had been a surgery to make it stop i would have begged my parents for it and i would imagine my parents would have eventually given in,i had to learn how to get out of class first and run fast to get home before the bullies came out,i had to learn to avoid youth clubs,parks,streets when playing out to avoid the same bullies from school who lived in my area,i had to give up a big part of what should have been my childhood/ life,so as the bullied child i say good for her that she has had surgery and feels better for it, magazines,television,Blogs,facebook all rely on beauty and there is a good chance she will be now accepted as such and her life will improve,that is just sadly how fickle the world is.
ReplyDeleteBullying now is very different as with social networks it comes into your home as i experienced recently with my son,with me once i was home and the door was locked i was safe.
I still suffer now from the bullying that happened to me at school so yes if a nose job stops this girl feeling like i do now as an adult i am all for it.
What I find totally flabbergastinly unbelievable is this: a poll published under the article. The results of this poll at this very time are as follows:
ReplyDeleteQuick Poll
Would you allow your child to get plastic surgery to escape bullying?
Yes 57.86%
No 42.14%
Children need to learn to stand up for themselves and learn to detach from unpleasant comments. People can be cruel at times all through life. This is teaching children to change themselves for somebody else's whim. They are then learning to be "people pleaser's".
ReplyDeleteI feel so sad about this. Also we know there is a degree of danger in having surgery.
Diane
"If my child was in a major accident and required a surgical procedure to repair a facial injury...I would be the first to sign the consent form...So what is the difference? The difference is that changing our appearance in response to bullying is not a solid reason."
ReplyDeleteThe girl broke her nose twice and the surgery corrected it. I wouldn't call that plastic surgery, I would call it reconstructive surgery and I certainly wouldn't judge anyone for doing so.
Personally, I don't condone plastic surgery for children to avoid bullying. While I'm not a parent, I myself was bullied in school between 12 and 14 years. Honestly, I don't think plastic surgery would have made a difference other than making me feel worse about how I looked and my self worth. It would have been like condoning the behavior.
ReplyDeleteVivki-
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you. What has happened to these parents?
Just a mask.
Teresa
xoxo
I don't agree with it. I was bullied for the way I looked but it made me who I am today, a stonger person. I think people are too quick to fix things with money and modern science. If somebody get's bullied because of their nose and has it changed, what happens in two years time when they are laughed at for the size of their feet - going to change them too? Or maybe we should just get the whole body done as young as possible?!! It's all very silly and shows that those with enough money will always take the easy way out.
ReplyDeleteI can certainly understand the urge on the part of the parents, but feel it's ultimately misguided. What about children who are bullied for things which can't be fixed with a scalpel? I have a child who is developmentally disabled, and we worry. So far, people at his school watch out for him, and no reports of bullying have surfaced. But I can't helped but be saddened by the idea that conformity to some (fleeting) aesthetic or behavioral ideal is the answer. What does this teach all children about their identities for the rest of their lives?
ReplyDeleteI read this article yesterday and was saddened by the state of children today. Why does it seem that there are so many mean kids now days?
ReplyDeleteThere is an excellent documentary and movement, The Bully Project, that states that 13 million people are bullied each year and that 3 million children miss school each moth because of bullying.
We all need to do our part to stop this sort of behavior.
I think if this little girl needed to have her nose fixed to aleviate the pain of being teased, as well as for medical reasons than her parents did the right thing. For me personally, I am scared to death of anything to do with plastic surgery.
Hello Vicki
ReplyDeletea long overdue pop in to say hello.
I am like you - confused on the matter.
Oh dear what a can of worms - I have to say if a child was being taunted over a physical feature of 'gross' disfigurement or out of the normal I would be ok with corrective cosmetic surgery. (eg large sticking out ears or large nose etc)
But I think otherwise no for now - I really need to think about that one much longer.
have a wonderful day
x Loulou
Australia
The trouble is that parents no longer parent their children. They want to be best friends with them instead. Bullying should NEVER be tolerated; one thing my mum taught me was to stand up to bullies. The rule was that I was never to start anything, but never back down if I was right. Seems fair enough. But there are no manners anymore. Especially on the internet, where bullying is a BIG problem, people can mask their identity (they think) by calling themselves anonymous. This goes on all the time; and not just by children, either. But when you have parents who have no values or don't enforce the rules, you have chaos. The children are the victims.
ReplyDeleteThe old rules of a certain formality had their values and should come back.
Hi Vicki, I completely agree with you. Adjusting the surface of things, will not heal the soul or spirit......that said, I am considering having "a slight bit" of work done. xoxo Mary
ReplyDeleteIn my day, this kind of bullying was called teasing. Bullying was getting knocked down on the playground.
ReplyDeleteNeither is acceptable.
Although it is none of my business, I think these parents did the right thing. Maybe if this little girl's nose was that shape from the beginning, her friends might not have noticed. Who knows. That fact is she was suffering and there was something her parents could do about.
I was "teased" mercilessly for being rail thin and having breasts that were nothing more than "a pancake with a raisin in it" -- and that illustrative observation from none other than my mother. I am not suggesting I should have had implants. I am suggesting that there are a lot of parents out there who mistakenly think a little teasing is ok and don't have a clue as to what really goes on at school and now on Facebook.
Bullying/teasing did not make me a stronger person.
I am happy for every surviving strong person out there. I can speak for no one but myself but suspect there might be others like me out there, beaten down from early childhood. It took me decades to realize I had no self-esteem and in fact was on the minus side, and a few decades more to build some. Before too many more decades pass I hope to say it made me a stronger person too.
During my daughter's elementary school years I sent her off every morning with her hair groomed and in age appropriate, cute as a button ensembles. There was no way I was leaving her open to any "teasing" about how she looked.
I also told her, every day, that being beautiful, how we look, or smart are gifts not everyone receives and it is wrong to tease anyone for anything. We like someone for how they act and treat others, not how they look.
Happily she is a thriving, confident and self-assured young woman pursuing her dreams. And the last person on this earth who would make derrogatory comments on someone's physical being. And the first to come to someone's aid.
vicki... this all breaks my heart as well.
ReplyDeletemy feeling is God made us in His perfect way and that is who we should remain... i was teased when i was a child and humiliated in an open air track meet (i was really thin) and it took me a long time to get over it although i grew up to be just fine...
my nieces and nephews have been teased and it breaks my heart but i feel we all become stronger if we endure ...
great post... xoxo
This is such a tough issue to chime in on because it is inherently quite emotional. I personally wasn't bullied about a feature, per se, but I was teased for being very pale. If I could have fixed it, I might have. But now I own it and love my fair skin, and pale seems to even be en vogue at times. However, I did have plastic surgery to my nose...for several reasons, which I'm comfortable sharing with those interested.(I even worked several years in plastic surgeon’s offices, which was enlightening and heart-wrenching at the same time.) But reasons, motivations and beliefs are so personal and perhaps should be regarded as such.
ReplyDeleteOverall, it seems prudent that we stop paying so much attention to appearances and defining beauty by features and qualities that are subject to fads and whims. Easier said than done, I know, but we, as adults, must first and foremost tie our identities to how we live and what our hearts reflect. Only then can we expect our children to be able to effectively cope with questions of image.
ABSOLUTELY NO!Why are kids so mean?Must come from their homes!Children model what they see!How sad is that!
ReplyDeleteI am in complete agreement with you Vicki...it is so sad how the world is changing. It makes you wonder what it is going to be like when our children's children are growing up...
ReplyDeleteNathalie
.. it's a hot topic for sure ... congratulations on passing over 3000 members ... well deserved.
ReplyDeleteI feel the need to ask how many of you have children? Your child comes home and tells you they are being bullied and because you love them, care for them and want to protect them your answer is "It's just something you should learn to tolerate?"
ReplyDeleteI find this unbelievable and very wrong!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThere are very few parents as grounded as you. Unfortunately, there are some ugly ducklings born, who could be made prettier by a bit of plastic surgery, like the "nose" pointed out. However, I do not think this is the solution for the issue of self worth. Decades ago the Mexican elite were already having their children's features refined, it seemed normal to them. In the US, as you know, we are bombarded with "perfection." But, there are so many way to describe perfection. Those women who have their girls participate in beauty pageants when they are still children are re-living their own childhood, I think. Like Paris Hilton's mother, for example. Without Paris's mother focusing so much on the outward & visible perhaps Paris would have had a great education, matured in a normal way, and been able to hold a conversation with David Letterman? This is difficult, isn't it? And, Angelica Huston has a horrific nose, but she's brilliant & talented inside and I simply cannot imagine her without her distinctive nose.
ReplyDeleteGreat post and conversation to be had. I'm just starting to enter this world with my oldest being almost 9. I am already amazed at how she is filtering the noise of other little one's opinions about her dress and so forth. I'm trying to teach her that if she likes something than she should wear it and not be concerned that it isn't the exact same thing as all the other girls. And that different, in that sense, is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteAs for physical attributes that is such a hard thing but I am with you...in that that is really a band aid and somehow we have to instill the courage and character to face these types of situations and people full on. But of course, I'm not opposed to fixing something with plastic surgery should it really need fixing and when the individual is fully mature.
xx Trina
Ah - this is ringing a lot of bells for me. I was bullied as a child for many years, but plastic surgery would not have changed that. It was the bully being allowed to act out and that never changed for her even as an adult.
ReplyDeleteOur youngest son was bullied mercilessly for a couple of years: 'wrong' haircut, 'wrong' schoolbag, 'wrong' food for lunch, 'wrong' underwear!!! (Some boys from his class would peek under the door while changing for swimming lessons). It was getting so out of hand that one night he said: I just want to die. I wish I was dead. Thankfully his teacher took a very proactive approach, and he has overcome the feelings of isolation and rejection.
Interestingly now, as he approaches his teenage years, the girls in his class have told him he has 'fat calves'. When we discussed this, he said that they were really unhappy about their own bodies (these are 12 and 13 year old girls) and constantly criticized one another for that. He's unfazed by their comments and a fit and healthy sports loving boy who has overcome and risen above the pettiness and destructive criticism that may have destroyed him. He seems able to see bullying for what it is: it's not the survivor who is a problem, it is something within the bully's psyche that they are unhappy and feel powerless about, so they try to have power and control over another who they view as more vulnerable.
Plastic surgery? It would depend if there was a disfigurement or physical need for it. I had my nose reconstructed in my fifties to help me breath better - it was broken during my childhood. To help others see a child as more acceptable could be a serious mistake. In my experience, if the one being picked on doesn't overcome their fear and victim mentality (an enormous struggle) the bully will simply find something else to torture them over.
Like you, I don't judge but would wish that as parents we could supply a child with the tools necessary to deal with life's bullies...they exist regardless of looks. Fortunately, they are the minority, the majority of the population, I believe are pretty decent. That said, I'm not sure what I'd do if on of my children had asked to have a nose job (if they were self-conscience).
ReplyDeleteGreat thought-provoking post, thank you.
Karen
Hi Vicki,
ReplyDeleteThere are no 'coping mechanisms that deal with bullying' My son was bullied by a teacher who was sacked in the end but not before all the emotional damage had been done. My daughters and also myself at school have all experienced the gut wrenching judgments from others who see it as their right to ruin your space at school. Schools now see bullies as 'victims' as well and offer them counselling and support before the ones they lash out against. Who knows how to stop it? One thing I think is that sitcoms etc desensitize children to others pain. We just need some compassion in this world.
Vickixx
Son #4 dealt with a school bully one day by 'introducing' the boy to a large cactus bush that was planted next to the school bus stop. It put an immediate stop to the bullying. 14 years on I reckon that kid is still pulling cactus prickles out of his rear end! Our son now at 29 still says that moment was the most empowering experience of his life seeing the bully running home wailing like a baby for his Mum.
ReplyDeleteAll the current touchy feely pyscho babble surrounding this issue drives me crazy. Zero tolerance isn't working, exclusion isn't, nor is treating the bully as the victim. It's a primitive tribal thing that has been happening since Adam was a kid, albeit played out in different ways in 2011. In thinking about the plastic surgery thing, I'd probably look into it for my child. My bank account is still recovering from the x5 orthodontic treatments the House of The Raising Sons was subjected to. And I guess in it's purest form that is appearance enhancing treatment.
Millie xx
Oh Vicki, I don't know what to say. The mean kids find things to be mean about, regardless. I don't believe plastic surgery is the solution. Educating children that it is wrong to bully, should be every parent's responsibility.
ReplyDeleteFirst, let me say that I love your blog and absolutely adored your 2 books! You are precious and very savvy!
ReplyDeleteI believe that a parent will do whatever they need to protect their child. The question is...is that the right thing? I have been told that your children have to experience life no matter how painful. That is what allows them to be able to handle the hurdles of life as an adult. I'm afraid we've become too much of a society of quick fixes. Parents HAVE to be there to talk to their children whether it is to handle bullying, peer pressure, or just simple life issues. They can't learn the important life lessons or how to treat one another from movies, television, facebook, or video games. They need face to face CONVERSATION! I'm afraid many parents today have become quite LAZY!
AND to the parents of the bullies, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Children model our behavior, so be a good role model and PEOPLE, be a parent! It is the hardest job there is and I know, because I have two teenagers and I have learned that this journey is truly day by day. And some days it is really stinks and others are a pure delight.
Last, no I would not let my 13 year old get a nose job, unless she couldn't breath through her nose. Most every thirteen year olds nose is too large for their faces. It is puberty and every teenager doesn't fit their body parts. That's the beauty of puberty....pimples, braces, big noses and ears, too tall, too short, baby fat, too skinny, etc.
I honestly think that if a bully really wants to bully a vulnerable, sensitive person, he or she will regardless of what the stand-out trigger is and regardless of whether the targeted person "fixes" that trigger. The targeted person could get plastic surgery only to find that the bullies find something else to torture them about.
ReplyDeleteThe bigger issue is how to make bullying stop at these degrees. So much has changed on the playground since I was bullied there...
Ugh. There is nothing like the sinking feeling in your heart when one of your children is suffering.
ReplyDeleteBullying - it is such a tough issue, especially with the social media frenzy added into the mix. However, everything in me says that the answer to it is an internal one.
My son is one of the 'river runs deep' sorts - quiet and sensitive with a poetic heart, which made him an easy target for the bullies - because it affected him. It gave them much power. Him, being my first and only, everything we went through was baptism by fire, as I had no experience with any other children... I rescued him a lot, and I see the results of that in him as a young adult. He is more of a people pleaser than I would like, and he does it to avoid conflict; conflict that I should have let him work through with support and love from me, rather than 'fixing' it, or rescuing him through it. Short term fix, but not for the long term good.
Now, I understand the facebook inundation adding to the pressure, but I really think that once you start making changes in yourself, whether they be physical or otherwise, for the sole reason of changing someone else's behavior is the wrong road to be on. You cannot change someone else, no matter how hard you try, you can only change how you respond to them... and (for me, at least) therein lies the answer.
If you make changes that you wouldn't have made, you diminish your self worth and confidence, and give the bully enormous power... and the power you give them is yours. What does it teach the bully when you allow them to change you? It teaches them that might makes right, and validates and encourages more of the same or even worse, escalates it. What is next? They pick on her for having plastic surgery? Or her teeth? Her clothes? Where does it end? Defusing the bullies power by shoring up self confidence, resolve, self worth teaches conflict resolution.
It's easier said than done, I know. My heart ached reading the second comment - and I don't fault or judge the parents of the girl with the nose surgery for what they did. Unless you are in the shoes of someone else, you have no idea what you would do.
I wonder what the parents of the bullies think of all of this... and whomever said, "Stick and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you".... lied.
xo isa
I don't think we can comprehend what it is like for kids to grow up in this day and age. We grew up without facebook/internet/google/social networking.
ReplyDeleteI am of the view that parents should encourage the child to ride it out but who knows? If the child is really suffering then I don't know what I would do either in that situation. Glad I was born in 1969 instead of recently.
kids these days, and where are the parents to step in in these kind of situations. plastic surgery for such a goal it's just not cool
ReplyDeleteIf there was a problem due to an accident or something from birth that needed to be corrected I'd be the first person searching for help for my child. If the surgery was only due to bullying I would not even consider the operation. I feel taking my child for surgery would be saying loud and clear I agree with the bully. There's something wrong with you. How awful. There are always challenges in life, the point is to teach children values and coping skills.
ReplyDelete