I have been indulging in a little girl chat lately and one of the subjects of our conversations has been the thought of the 'perfect guest'. How to be a good hostess is something I reflect on but the flip side is not one I have pondered much. How do we behave as the 'perfect guest' and what makes for a 'perfect guest'?....A difficult topic as everyone's idea of perfection is not the same...here are some snatches of our chit chat....
'Listen to your host and hostess....be intuitive and sensitive to how their household runs...'
'Help when asked...but don't ask too many questions ...the where do you want this and the how shall I do this are just as annoying as no help at all....'
'Be engaging and entertaining...that is the why of the invitation........'
'Gauge the intimacy of conversation....personal problems only rear their heads in the right kind of atmosphere......'
'Follow the leader....if it's early to bed and early to rise...then that's the timetable....'
A guest has a duel role...to not only enjoy themselves but also to ensure that the hosts do too. This is what many forget...to be a guest in someone's home is a privilege...It is not the same as staying in a hotel...nothing should be taken for granted and demands should be few....A seasoned guest knows the taste and style of his hosts and buys gifts that are appropriate....Nothing too confrontational that will have to be dispersed with or hidden after you leave.... nothing that will have them worrying about your feelings instead of their own....a hostess gift is all about what your host will love not what you are desperate to have....
Making sure you are the 'perfect guest' is never easy as every household beats to a different drum no matter how good the friendship is. Sometimes the closer the friend the more difficult it is to stay in each other's company. This is not an indication that the friendship is weak but more a sign that personalities are different. How often have you stayed with a 'best' friend only to feel that the visit has not gone as well as you hoped....there is a subtle disconnect...something not quite right....you just can't put your finger on it...the friendship is solid and still intact, yet you are reluctant to plan another holiday together. Co-habiting is tough on any level and as a guest there is an extra level of pressure to ensure that the visit runs smoothly and happily. Being invited is one thing....being invited back is the true test.
Is there such a thing as the 'perfect guest'?.....After writing this....I don't think so....Who are your 'perfect' guests....What makes them so special? ......xv
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image - carla coulson
I had a perfect guest, my friend Susan. She lives in a different country, different continent, we speak different languages and yet staying together was as easy as breathing. I'm looking forward to her next stop at our home. Have a nice day, Rosanna
ReplyDeleteA hot topic in our house Vicki!
ReplyDeletePerfect guests come with their own itinerary and don't expect to be looked after 24/7. They take care with all the things you mentioned in your post. Wise words indeed.
Dream guests stay in a local B&B or hotel. It is my favourite way to travel. I like to have time with my guests or hosts and know that we can both retreat and relax on our own when needed.
I know I am in trouble when guests come down to breakfast on the first day of a two week stay and say 'so, what are we doing today?' This is when my growing stack of travel and transportation brochures come in handy. :)
Jeanne xx
Vicki I think as you are saying, a guest should have a go with the flow attitude. Relax and don't put any extra pressure on the host and/ or hostess.
ReplyDeleteIt truly is an honor to be invited to anyone's' home, even for dinner nowadays, with less people entertaining.So make your stay brief and enjoyable for all.
Xoxo
Karena
Art by Karena
Our perfect guests stayed for a week and cleared the brambles for us while they were here. They know that we need peace and quiet sometimes and are not constantly asking to be "entertained". So they are happy to go off for a walk on their own, or just sit by the pool reading. They insist on paying their way and take us out for meals and refuse to accept money for the things they bring out for us that we can't get here. They are long-standing friends so chat is easy and gossipy. We feel refreshed after their visits and always welcome them back.
ReplyDeleteThis is a topic I often thought about -from both sides. For me as a host the perfect guest leaves before the stuff to talk about is gone. For me as guest it is the same - and it feels a lot that 3 days are a maximum. There are a few exceptions where I love to stay longer or whom I love to have longer.
ReplyDeleteWe have a saying here Germany which translates roughly to: "With a guest it is like with fish: after 3 days both begin....to stink."
In over 50 years being both ( I mean guest and host....) I only can agree upon this.
.. Bonjour .. my perfect guest is one that is content lounging about, reading magazines, sipping wine, chatter in between ... I'm not fond of "we must be on the go" guests ... I only have a few of these kind, but such a luxury when then come. Lovely, clever post .. k
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. I read your posts and enjoy them every day. This one really strikes home, however. With the holiday season approaching and family arriving,I find myself summarizing the problems associated with these visits. I really do not enjoy them at all. I feel like I run a large hotel and catering business with little or not appreciation. I could cry. As a follow up, any advice for the hostess, who is always the hostess, never the guest?
ReplyDeleteI have to say that I believe the "perfect guest" to have a highly developed intuition...
ReplyDeleteNot something many people are blessed with.
Therefore I confess, as much as I love to entertain, gather friends around - I dislike house guests. That is people that sleep over.
The flip side works too - I love being invited to share a meal, just like Cinderella though I disappear before I turn into a pumpkin. To my own space...
Lovely post, thank you.x
Your post is apropos of my own thoughts this morning, and is beautifully stated. My dearest friend left yesterday after a 4 day visit, and I'm forwarding her a link to this post, along with my thank you to her for being the perfect guest. And my thanks to you for these illuminating words!
ReplyDeleteThis is really excellent advice. I visit our oldest son and lovely daughter-in-law, they are both such wonderful hosts, but I do think about being a guest that they will enjoy, rather than dread. I believe I accomplish this but your piece gave me some pause...I may try to help too much. I will be more mindful of pitching in when NOT asked.
ReplyDeleteKaren
That's such a hard question... A perfect guest? I think everyone has their flaws, it's up to you to decide whether you want to see the perfect guest or not. If you do, you just ignore the bad habits and embrace the good ones, if you don't you start listing every single bad thing. Everyone has his or her idea of how a perfect guest should be, it's so hard to say because it differs from person to person.
ReplyDeleteI've never really thought about this before, thanks for sharing! And I just need to say that I love the name of your blog, so ethereal and everlasting!
Love, Lisa
Sometimes I think the answer is as simple as the perfect guest knows when to leave, and does so! lol
ReplyDelete*** Good morning, Vicki~~
ReplyDelete* You chose a great, interesting topic today~ one that is "near n' dear" to my heart!
* As we have lived in many different countries, & mannny places in America over our gazillion years of our marriage, having houseguests is just a "way of life" for us~ it's rather "the norm" & we usually look sooooo forward to it!!! (Interestingly, I just can't WAIT until S*O*M*E of our guests ARRIVE, and can't wait til S*O*M*E of our OTHER guests LEAVE!)...
* You got it SO right about blending in with the habits/lifestyle of the family of whom you are a guest!!! When one of our favorite couples comes, we have a wonderful, relaxing time, they just naturally fit in, help keep things running smoothly (they ask no questions, they just "do") and they leave, with us wanting them to STAY LONGER!!! THENNNN, there's "THAT couple" (luckily, just ONE!), that comes and within minutes the house is not just a mess, it's MASS CONFUSION & I can't even THINK straight!!!... shoes, phones, books, maps, notepads, bags, etc., are just left EVERYwhere... they walk in saying "we're hungry" (But NOW I KNOW to ALWAYS prepare food for them in advance, because of this!), and YES, THIS couple I*S family... (that's why we have to put up with it!!! Grins!!!)...
* ONE of the better pieces of less-common advice about being a good guest that MY Mom gave ME (that I WOULDN'T have thought of probably!) was to never show up at the door with suitcases in hand, etc... leave them in the car for a least a lttle while... it's EASIER for the visitor, and is also less "imposing" on the hostess... not a big deal, but it DOES make sense and we have always practiced that ourselves...
* I've jokingly said before that I am going to write a book on how to be a GOOD HOSTESS and a GOOD GUEST~~~ in the end tho, treating people and their homes the way you would like you & YOUR home to be treated is the EASIEST way to be a good guest (or HOSTESS!), I think...
* Missing Paris~~~ you lucky gal!!!!
Thanks,
Linda in AZ *
bellesmom1234@comcast.net
Hi Vicki, this is a great topic. I think that I could ramble on and on about this...But I think that the most important elements of being a good guest should include: I. Pick up after yourself. 2. Sensitivity/consciousness to hosts 3. Excellent boundaries.
ReplyDeleteHave a great early fall week. Mary
A perfect guest does not make rude comments about her hostess's home or food, like, "Gee, you have a lot of nicknacks, you must like to dust!" or "Look at all the fat and calories in that, I can't eat that!" Say nothing about the decor. If there is something you cannot eat, just take it and take a bite or two (unless you are truly allergic or told by the doctor not to eat it) and push the rest around on your plate and don't say anything. Instead of saying, "Oh, I don't drink caffeine!" say, "Would you mind if I had a glass of water instead."
ReplyDeleteI like the question you pose. Often as a hostess, I am delighted or appalled with guests. You have an excellent discussion here. I
ReplyDeleteI have decided to do a post on my blog on this subject -- may I use this image and make a link back to your blog?
ReplyDeleteHello dear Vicki
ReplyDeleteWhat a fascinating subject and you have beautifully covered what it is being a guest and also a host.
I deplore when guests feel they have a right to know more about the host than the host is willing to give. We call it the Q and A guests. I find the best guests are the entertaining ones, who bring joy and laughter to the table and are not too bent out of shape over the world situation. It is also comforting when a guests will slip away for a few hours through the day and give the host time to regroup.
I actually prefer not to be a guest but rather to stay in accommodation close by and meet our friends for dinner.
A great post Vicki
Helen xx
The perfect guest is EASY to play hostess to. There's nothing worse than trying to find things for them to "help you" with...
ReplyDeleteOoh, this is a good topic! And yes, everyone will have different ideas but here are some of mine:
ReplyDelete--Bring something for the hostess even if you are closer to the host. A bottle of wine--that you are going to drink!--doesn't cut it. Even if you don't have much to spend, a few flowers for her and a remix CD for him are great!
--Please let your hosts know of ALL of your food issues well in advance. We had a guest for lunch last week who could not eat either the entrée or the plat! We felt so embarrassed despite her reassurance that it "wasn't a problem"--oh my, it was!
--Be independent. Unless it is a special occasion, your hosts can't completely put their life on hold so rent a car and go explore on your own. You'll come back with stories to tell and maybe even something that your host didn't know about.
--And yes, it is ok to be quiet. Two of my favorite guests, Thierry and Stephanie, are ALWAYS welcome because they are just so easy to be around. They know when to let us breathe and will read or hop on their ipads for awhile while we catch our breath and get things organized. There is no need to "make" conversation with such friends.
--This is definitely a personal one but I can't STAND when guests hover over me in the kitchen! You better be my best friend or family because really, I'll ask for help if I need it. And if you are French, please don't tell me how to cook something just because I am an American.
--I love when guests take us out to eat--just once--during a stay. We go all out to spoil our guests, it is so nice when it is returned in a not-big-deal-way.
--When in a smaller home such as ours where there is only one salle de bain, I so appreciate when guests are aware of the time and try to be considerate of others--unlike certain guests that we have had that would take repeated baths each day, even at dinner time!
--Little touches such as removing the sheets and folding them up are always appreciated at the end of a stay but that is it! I want you to relax, not feel the need to be the cleaning lady!
Oh, I am sure that I could go on, but I am equally sure that is more than enough!
I had to smile reading this post as I always feel ever so slightly apprehensive when I am the guest - even (or especially) with good friends. I'd say inviting the host out for dinner to a restaurant might be a nice suggestion as it gives the them time to relax without having to think about dinner. Unless of course the host takes offence thinking their food isn't good enough... You're right, there's no perfect guest ;-) Have a lovely week xo
ReplyDeletePerfect guests bring only sunshine, leave only laughter and warm memories.
ReplyDeleteThis post is so perfect. I just had guests for a long weekend, my step daughter, her sister (whom I have met 5 times in 17 years) and their friend. It is always a challenge for me becuase although I love guests I also love guests that can entertain themselves. This weekend was a bit tricky because it rained all the time so I was the entertainment. If it had not rained they would have been at the ocean. Oh well. Aside from that they were great!
ReplyDeleteYou have made some excellent points, Vicki. Being a good house guest is one of the most difficult things ever, just trying NOT to be intrusive, but on the other hand, fun to be around. xx's
ReplyDeleteOh Vicki, this all made me remember a plaque I saw somewhere... it read, "All of our guests bring happiness... some by coming, others by leaving."
ReplyDeleteIt gave me a good giggle.
xo isa
Vicki this is a topic close to my heart as well. but for a different reason.
ReplyDeleteI am the Queen of Sleepovers. I guess I grew up with having friends over for the night, so I have raised my children the same way. It's one of the best ways to get to know your childs' peers, and dare I say, their family, as you just never know what little gems the guest will share over the dinner table. Some parents would just DIE if they knew what their Darlings exposed about family life in the ebb and flow of dinner conversation!
So the dilemna I have, is that I do all the inviting, and my 11 year old daughter rarely, if ever, is invited in return. Now don't get me started on the niceties of returning invitations for that is a whole new topic, but this is my concern. My daugher is learning how to be an excellent Hostess, but when does she learn to be and equally excellent guest?
Excellent and thought provoking post as always. Thankyou.
"A guest has a duel role..."(?)
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm sure we've all had guests we'd like to kill.
Also, if you are talking on Skype on your laptop, use earphones so that the family you are staying with cannot hear your private conversation. Embarrassing. Not fair to accuse others of eavesdropping when they can't help but hear your personal conversations. If you DO overhear another's personal conversation, say nothing about it.
ReplyDeleteThis is why I prefer to stay in a hotel rather than in someone's home. I don't have to worry about what people are thinking/saying when I'm on my best behavior. I've hosted people, easy guests and high-maintenance guest, and frankly I'd rather they all stay in hotels and come over for dinner or outings. I don't have to worry about all the above comments either way!
ReplyDeleteVicki ~
ReplyDeleteyou completely touched on a subject that is very important to me! i always try my best to make sure we are thoughtful and considerate guests, and i stick to the rule my mother-n-law taught me, "more than 3 days and you start to smell like fish"!
bisous,
melissa
I agree with Summers Cottage -- it's easier to stay in a motel if you can afford it. And I prefer my guests to stay in one, too. It was different when we were all young, but now that my husband and I are middle-aged we prefer our own space and I think our guests do, too.
ReplyDeleteLaughing....the picture at the top of this post looks like me giving the "evil eye" to a rude person that always has her cell phone attached to her face:) I agree with most of your comments. Not being the most comfortable cook myself I do appreciate it when our guests treat us to dinner out. Also, I provide a large handled basket in the guest room for the guest to carry their personal items in and OUT of the common bathroom. It works nicely.
ReplyDeleteWhen visiting since I am an early riser I found it worked perfectly to check all the latest news in the morning using my computer with an earplug. There were two of us early birds at our computers and two night owls still sleeping away.
I liked this today Vicki and I am about to be a guest. So I will take your thoughts on board and hopefully exemplify the perfect guest :)
ReplyDeleteLove those who can keep themselves occupied. And don't overstay! Great topic and you're right, it's not one we think about often enough. I agree that it's a good idea to bring something other than the wine you plan to drink, something with their taste and preferences in mind.
ReplyDeleteThanks for making us ponder.
Kirsten
The perfect guest is one who is cheerful, has something to occupy their time on their own, enthusiastic about any outings and plans the host or hostess makes. A perfect guest might make a meal, or take the hostes OUT for a meal, as well. I love having guests. I love guests who do the dishes, if they are staying for more than one day, I love it when they feel "one of the family". great post! xoxo Lidy
ReplyDeletelove this idea and all the comments. super glad i found your blog. i'm following. I'd love if you'd check out my celebrity fashion and style blog and see if your interested in following too. LA adventures from a southern girl. Thanks love. xoxo
ReplyDeletewww.fashboulevard.blogspot.com
This upcoming weekend at The Hedge with a house full of interstate guests for Son #5's engagement party on Saturday night will test us all. Thanks to a very nasty incident this week involving a clumsy yobbo plumber, we are down to one loo. That will really sort out the good guests from the bad - wish us luck!
ReplyDeleteMillie xx
For me, the perfect guests are those who can entertain themselves or can enjoy just sitting and looking at the view. Our favorite guests are our cousins who always make a point of cooking a terrific meal one night.
ReplyDeleteLove the artwork! Most of my guests of late have been my teenage sons' friends - en masse! Now that is a guest of another "scent"! Always enjoy your blog posts - thank you!
ReplyDeleteI should print this out in brochure form and hand it out to all the people who come visit! ;-)
ReplyDelete